Acting Profile

Nicky An old man, Grandfather of Mel and husband of Elaine. He likes a drink and secretly dreams of dancing with Elaine.

Elaine his wife, a harassed mother, with a sarcastic, tongue in cheek mannerism.

Mel their twenty something daughter, a rebel who tends to always get her own way. Married to Tom.

Tom is a bit of a nerd and a little on the geeky side. He gets bossed around by Mel and is a bit of a wimp.

Opening Scene – On a train going to audition for Britain’s Got Talent. The present.

Opening scene sound of trains, talking, noises and lights to reflect the movement of a train.

As the scene begins

When the lights come up there is a motionless tableaux of the family sitting together on the train. Mel is admiring her nails that she has just painted, Tom is holding a picnic basket looking inside the picnic basket he has a look of shock and horror on his face, Anthony is fast asleep with his mouth open snoring loudly. Elaine is doing knitting. The tableaux used for the opening of the first scene demonstrates the families relationship together and the fact that everyone is on their own journey. There is an underlying subtext throughout the play that each member of the family is on their own journey. The train at the beginning of the scene portrays the start of the families day out, but at a deeper level it is the families journey together.

Narrated

We all go on journeys. Every single one of us, at some point, will have gone on a journey. Maybe you boarded a bus, train, taxi or aeroplane. Maybe you day dreamed that you were somewhere else in time; somewhere you could escape to and feel free. Life is a journey that will take many roads where you will meet all kinds of people. With some we may exchange just a smile, or a word of encouragement, whilst others will become our closest friends.

Our journey begins on a train; one whole day in the life of a family as they travel from their home Town of Cumbria to London where Auditions for “Britain’s Got Talent” are being held.

Tom puts his hand in the picnic box and pulls out Elaine’s false teeth)

Tom. Yuck, you left them in the picnic box.

Elaine. Don’t look at me they’re your dads

(Elaine takes the teeth and puts them in Nicky’s pocket who is still snoring)

Mel. Mum give dad a push he’s giving me a headache. My head’s killing has anyone got some Aspirin?

Tom. Sorry, I’m out of Aspirin. Maybe we can get some when we get off this train.

Mel. I feel really queasy.

Tom. It’ll be your travel sickness, dear. Didn’t you bring your travel sickness pills?

Mel. No I forgot.

Nicky enters wearing a waitress outfit. She is bringing a trolley of drinks through.

Nicky. Morning Sir, would you like any drinks?

Tom. I’ll have a vodka and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps

Nicky passes a bag with the refreshments in it.

Elaine. I have some soluble ones, but you’ll need some water.

Mel. Tom give us some of your vodka.

Tom. Why don’t you take them with a sandwich?

Mel. I’m not eating any of them sandwiches now dad’s teeth have been in them, that’s gross. I hope you cleaned them before you left them in there they looked like they had last night’s curry on them.

(Tom reluctantly passes Mel his vodka who puts two tablets in it and proceeds to drink the lot)

Mel. Ah, that’s better.

Tom. I can’t believe you just did that. That’s so unfair.

Mel. I’ll get you another when we get off this train.

Tom. Why do you keep complaining? You’ve done nothing but, complain all day today I’m fed up of this.

Mel. What are you trying to say? It’s been difficult enough sitting next to you on this train for hours. I’m fed up of you.

Elaine. Will you two stop arguing you’ll wake your father up.

Mel. Good, I’m fed up of his bloody snoring.

Tom. There you go again, complaining. That’s all you ever do.

Mel. Is there any wonder when I have to live with someone like you.

Tom. What do you mean?

Mel. I mean I don’t like you. You stress me out. I do your cooking, ironing, let you go out with your mates whilst I stay at home on my own. I pick your clothes up that are strewn all over the house and do you remember last year when I broke my ankle after tripping up over your shoes that you left at the bottom of the stairs.

Tom. Maybe you should marry someone else. At least I’d have some peace.

Mel. Go then, stay in London and don’t come back. I’ll send your clothes via carrier pigeon.

Tom. Oh ha, ha.

Nicky. Will you shut up, I’m trying to get some peace.

Elaine. Sorry dear. She’s right you know. If you two could only hear yourselves. Have a bit of respect. Your granddad and I have travelled half way round the Country so YOU could audition for Britain’s Got Talent. The only reason we are coming here today is that we wanted to see you and Mel making a go of something we never got the opportunity to do.

Tom. Elaine, I’m sorry, I never meant to be so disrespectful. I know you’ve paid our train tickets and we’d never have got the chance to audition if it hadn’t of been for you. It’s just that sometimes I wonder if Mel really wants this.

Mel. I do. I do want this. I’m sorry too.

There is a voice over announcing the trains soon arrival in London.

Anthony wakes up.

Anthony.. Are we there yet?

Elaine. Next station, dear. Better bloody hurry up my bladder’s going to burst.

Mel. You’ve not been taking those water tablets again have you mum? I thought you said you weren’t going to take them today.

Elaine. You’re father gave me them with my breakfast.

(Taking the mirror from her handbag, she puts on some lipstick, powders her nose and straightens her hair. She turns her attention to Mel)

(Mel watches her every move with admiration)

Mel. You look beautiful Gran.

(Elaine reaches across the table and holds Mel’s hand)

Elaine. Thank you my darling . Oh, I was as beautiful as you once upon a time Mel. I didn’t always look like this. Time goes by so quickly, yet the memories never fade in your mind; it’s as if it were only yesterday.

Mel. Share some with me Gran. I’ve always loved listening to your stories. When mum and dad died you were the one that was there for me. I remember how you sat at my bedside each night and told me your stories. When I cried you wiped away those tears and sometimes you would sing me to sleep. Your singing soothed the loss I was feeling and I found great comfort in your stories. Tell me one now, please.

Elaine. I believe we should all have a dream. I dreamt that one day I would be a professional opera singer performing at Covent Garden in London. I was just born to sing. When I was young, singing would take me to a place where I would soar with the eagles. Sometimes, as a teenager, I would go up high on the mountainside, and sing into the vast open space, imagining that the wind was carrying my voice straight to heaven. I felt sure that God was listening and sometimes, I know this sounds a bit far fetched, but I believed the angels were singing with me.

There are times, even now, late at night when you and your granddad are sleeping, I get up out of bed and sit by the fireside looking through the old slides of Granddad and I singing and playing sweet music for hours – the room would be filled with music and song.

Mel. What about mum? Did she sing?

Elaine. Your father played the piano and your mother sung. They were the best in the business. They travelled the Country playing at gigs, pubs and weddings. When the accident happened they were on the way to a gig in South Wales. A drunk driver completely ran them off the road. (Pause as Elaine sits and thinks)

Mel. Please Gran, please not today.

Elaine. I believe that they will hear your voice in heaven today as you sing on that stage.

Mel. Tell me more about your experiences with Granddad.

Elaine. Your Granddad always enjoyed listening to me singing, he would say “Elaine, you have the voice of an angel and a face to match. (nudging Mel and chuckling as she re-lives the emotion of the blushing newly wed). Believe it or not, my girl, before I met Granddad, men would be knocking down my door for a date with the Austrian songstress. But your Granddad won the day with his charm and of course his good looks (tongue in cheek).

Nicky. Do you remember when we met? I was working for peanuts in the bar where you were singing and asked if you fancied a drink. I was shaking like a leaf, thinking you would have nothing to do with a two bit piano player like me. I used to be the silent admirer, never one to chat girls up, but when I met your Gran I couldn’t help, but chat her up. She was beautiful. The most beautiful woman I had ever met and I knew that I couldn’t let her go. I might be a bit of an old drunk now, but when I was younger your Gran said I wasn’t bad looking.

Elaine. That’s right dear.

Anthony. When I walked into that bar that night it must have been fate. I swear I’ve never heard a voice so crisp and sweet. When your mother sang, the whole room went silent. She was like a star twinkling in the night. She stood out from the crowd. “Just a glass of water” she said to me.

Mel. (Stands up and does a twirl) Does my bum look big in this?

Elaine turns her attention to Mel’s mini skirt.

Elaine. We never wore them in my day. Wouldn’t have been seen out of the house in them.

Anthony. More’s the pity.

Tom. Why don’t you wear something else till this afternoon?

Mel. Don’t you like it?

Tom. Yeah I like it, but the wind will freeze your knickers this morning.

Mel. I know, but I just want to look my best.

Pause.

Elaine. There’s a spot o’ porridge on it. I’m sure of it.

Voice Over. London Euston Next stop all passengers depart from the train. This Train terminates at London Euston.

End of scene one

Light’s fade then come back up to show a decrepit building with Mel, Tom, Elaine and Nicky looking towards the building.

Mel: Is this it? I thought you said that Simon Cowell would be here.

Tom: It must be the credit crunch. They can’t afford The Hilton.

Anthony: How else would you explain the fact that Pierce Morgan is one of the judges?

Tom: Hmmm you’ve got a point. (Thinks for a second.) Pierce Morgan, hey? Amazing! This could be fun!

Mel: This could be embarrassing, you mean. I’m not too sure that this is a good idea. What if my mates see?

They walk into the building

Set

A canteen within the building where contestants go to wait to be called on stage.

Mel. No, no, no I can’t do this. I’m gonna be sick.

Tom. What the hell’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting weird all day.

Mel: (Angry, turns round to look at a couple behind her) What are you two staring at?

Tom. Shut up will you, you’ll get us thrown out.

(Tom turns round apologising he turns back to Mel)

Tom. Hey, isn’t that the girl that was sat behind us on the train?

Elaine. I think it is you know, poor love.

Mel. Look, can we just go and get something to eat I haven’t eaten anything all day thanks to dad’s mouldy teeth being in the sandwich box.

Tom. Do we have time?

Mel. Stop fretting, you’re like an old fisher wife.

(Silence, Nicky and Elaine sit down on a couch together. Nicky clears her throat. Tom stands there)

Mel. Well? Are you going to get us all something to eat?

Tom. What do you want?

Elaine. I’m supposed to have lots of food rich in iron to help my circulation.

Tom. Is there some unwritten law that says when you get older you enter into the realm of insanity?

Anthony. Oh yeah, tell me about it.

Mel. Just get something, anything, anything will do.

Tom. Fine, don’t blame me if you don’t like it.

(Tom exits)

Elaine. You two really need to sort yourselves out you know. It’s not good arguing all the time.

Anthony. Your mum’s right, we never used to argue.

Elaine. Yes we did, the only time we stopped arguing was when you lost your hearing.

Anthony. Ear ring? I’ve never had my ears pierced, darling.

Elaine. Exactly.

(Tom comes back carrying a tray with some food on it)

Tom. Do you think we will have time to rehearse?

Elaine is eating spaghetti. Nicky and Tom are eating whilst Mel is picking at her food.

Mel. It’s all right. There’s no hurry. Let mum finish her spaghetti.

Tom. I’m worried. It’s the first time I’ve ever been on stage in front of such important people. You hear such dreadful stories of people being pulled to pieces.

(Tom looks at Mel’s plate)

Tom. Aren’t you eating that? It looks like you’ve barely touched it.

Mel. It’s disgusting. The pasta is dry as a bone and the meat was burnt.

Tom. There you go again, complaining. What has got into you?

Mel. If you hadn’t of been so busy playing your bloody play station then you might of noticed I haven’t had a period for months. I’m pregnant.

(Mel runs off)

Anthony. What are you waiting for? Go after her young man. She is your wife and she loves you very much. Your’re a very lucky man – now go!

Elaine. Oh Anthony, they do worry me those two.

Anthony. Now, don’t you be worrying yourself. They’ll work out their diffivulties. We’ve had to do it and it’s no different for them. Everything will be ok, you’ll see.

Elaine. I suppose so and hey, looking on the bright side, our very first GREAT Grandchild is on the way. Life has been good to us Tom – we have so much to be thankful for.

Anthony. (Lowering his voice to romantic love) Listen love, I know you thought I was half asleep when you were reminiscing to Mel and about your youth, but I heard every word and I just want to let you know, Mrs Hilda Broadbemt, my beautiful wife, you are and always will be that shining star and I just want to thank you for being the light of my life for the last fifty two years.

Elaine. Fifty two years is it really that long? (The conversation is interrupted by the loud speaker)

Voice Over. Would two-timers please come to the audition room. The judges are ready to audition you now.

Elaine. Giving Anthony a gentle nudge. I knmow you’ll probably think I’ve lost my mind, but shall we audition in their place? (Anthony hesitates) Oh come on Anthony, it’s the chance of a lifetime – we will only live to regret it if we don’t.

Anthony. Ok, (rising from the couch, standing upright with confidence he throws away his walking stick and takes Elaine’s hand) lets do it.

Anthony and Elaine walk together with back to audience as if going through double doors into the audition room to sounds of applause.

Judge (Voice over) Hi ….. Tom and Mel is it.

Elaine. No, there’s been a bit of a change. It’s Elaine and Anthony.

Judge (Voice over) OK then, Anthony and Elaine it is. An elderly duo. Eh ….. this should be interesting.

|Judge (Voice over) So what are you going to sing for us?

Elaine. ‘Climb Every Mountain’ (quietly adding, almost under her breath) ’til you find your dream.

Judge (Voice over) Sorry, I didn’t quite get that.

Anthony. (covering for Elaine) Er……. from the ‘Sound of Music’.

Judge (Voice over) So, tell us how you came up with the name ‘Two – Timers’.

Anthony. Well, (as if to be excited to tell the story from beginning to end but, pauses and thinks better of it) ……… It’s a long story.

THE END

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